Gone the Way of the Buffalo

Time: 7:39pm
Place: Tim Horton's
Song Playing: Let's Go Crazy by Prince
Emotional State: Crazy????????? Maybe, but that may be okay.

I have to break this into chunks to make sure I effectively communicate all which needs to be communicated.

Also.... you should know.....

There are no pictures in this post. I forgot to take my camera with me on this week's adventures :( 

Work

I've been frustrated with my work for the past couple weeks. My expectation was that I would have a role to step into and fulfill. I knew I'd essentially be creating an afterschool program, but I didn't realize how base-level and foundational my work would be. I have come to realize my frustration stems not from the difficulty of my work; it stems from the fact that I have been working very hard toward goals that are soft and undefined.

How did I arrive at this conclusion? Welp, there are a few different pieces...

1. I've been praying that God will give me meaningful connection to the work I'm doing. PTL, it's happening.
2. I took a leadership personality assessment on the Americorps volunteer management resource website to test out whether or not I'd want to have volunteers do it. It told me my personality type was a buffalo. 

Let me tell you, I was so mad when my test results told me I was a buffalo.  Why? Because I didn't agree with what it said I was:

BUFFALO – Achievement and goal oriented. Exerts strong influence in getting things done. Assertive in expression of ideas. Prefers being in charge. Has strong opinions. Bottom-line oriented.

Common strengths: Determined, Requiring, Thorough, Decisive, Efficient, Gets results, Direct, Takes Charge, Gets it done, “Results” people.

Potential excesses: Dominating, Unsympathetic, Demanding, Critical, Superior, Loner, Harsh, Impatient, Combative.

In my mind, it's good be a people person and a feeling person, not a results person. I think it's almost kind of villainous to be achievement and goal oriented. I don't view myself as being determined or efficient or a result-getter, maybe because I think of those as being harsh (which it lists as a buffalo's potential excess).

BUT HERE'S THE TRUTH. I AM. This is an epiphany for me. I am not satisfied unless I see the particular results I have in mind. This is why my job has been frustrating. I couldn't even create a vision for results.

But the vision is here now! IT'S HERE! I HAVE A VISION AND I'M WORKING TOWARD IT! I applied for a grant so I had to fully outline a plan which my supervisor had to review for approval, and now there is a plan to work toward! And I made it! I am so happy and I feel so proud of that work.

Another great thing about work this past week is that I've been a homework helper at an afterschool program in one of the public housing sites in Auburn while the center is trying to fill the position. It's the first time I've been able to have real contact and work with students. Another epiphany: I actually do love working with youth. I thought after this summer that I was going to sort of tap out of wanting to work with students in the further future, but I love it and I'm good at it. Something we talked about at Covenant is that where our passions and skills meet the world's needs, there is vocation and God smiles.

Adventures

I went to Portland on Friday for a workshop at the Center for Grieving Children. I left feeling utterly depressed. It brought up so much sadness! I kept thinking about Grandma Skip and had to talk about things that make me upset, like prejudices toward different ethnic groups and cultural expectations for women. I'm a buffalo; I will not be a housewife.

Many of my corps members were there, so after the workshop, we went across the street to deal with our grief at this great place that has about 40 beers on tap. From there, I went to dinner with some friends I was staying the night with at a restaurant in South Portland. Then we went to house party and out on the town. I haven't gone out in a long, long time, but being a buffalo, I had goals I wanted to achieve during my fun night, and I met all of them. Cheers.

The next day, I did some solo exploring. Buffaloes love to do things alone. I went up to Cape Elizabeth.

Oh, my gosh.

Cape Elizabeth. My jaw dropped. I cannot even begin to do it justice in my attempts to describe it. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. The shore line is rocky, huge swells crash against them and spray up onto the cliffs covered in gold, red, and orange berries and leaves, twisted vines and roots, and what's left standing of an old fort. There are small footpaths through the waist high flora and maritime trees which lead to rocks with waves etched into them by the ocean. You can't imagine feeling so small. It was very foggy that day, so there was no clear delineation between the sky and the sea. I felt afraid when I was standing on the cliffs because the waves were so huge it seemed like they were going to reach me, though they never made it close.

After walking around this area for about 45 minutes, I went over to the Portland Head Light which is adjacent to the Fort Williams Park (I think that was it's name?). I can't believe this was real. It was like a postcard. It was exactly what you'd think a light house in Maine would be like. I can't wait to go back with my camera. Maybe this weekend...

Following my time at Cape Elizabeth, I went back to Portland and met up with my friend Gage who goes to Queens and was visiting his family in Maine for Fall Break. We drank bubble tea and caught up for a bit, then made plans to reconvene later for dinner and some more exploring since our time was short. When we met up again, we went to a great record store and I bought a James Taylor Greatest Hits CD for $2.97. It has not stopped playing today.

During my break between bubble tea and record store browsing, I went to a nearby beach. I've been dying to get to the beach in Maine since I've been here, so even though I was only there for about 20 minutes because the sun was going down, it was wonderful. The thick fog made the pink light of sunset diffuse in an ethereal way over the water. I felt very small. That's one of my favorite parts of being at the beach (I hope you still feel small when you staaaand beside the ocean anyone? That's not what I was going for, but it happened...) The beach town was exactly what I thought a Maine beach town would be like. It was so sweet and simple and made me think of little kids running around barefoot with blueberry purple tongues. I don't know if that actually happens, but I sure hope so. It was quite different from Sunset Beach or Wrightsville Beach in North Carolina, but what could be like those places?


I think that's all I have to say. Salt life.

JB